There once was a young carrot called Gnaw

We target humans. We have done since they started farming. How do we do it? Easy, we get them stoned, they can't resist it.

We the purple carrots, after eons, are close to achieving our ambition. Yesterday, a young purple carrot known to us a Gnaw, gained what humans call sentience. Not only did he cultivate an awareness outside the vegetable world, he had grafted to his purple shaft, legs grown from the stem cells of an Hare and the arms of a Golden Tamarin monkey. Gnaw the purple carrot has straddled the worlds of animal and plant, and our plans are realised.

The humans, of course, like to take all credit but pity them! They know not what they say or do, for the truth is very different, and after all, if Gnaw is their work, then they are our work.

The purple carrots have been working on an initiative for tens of thousands of seasons. It has been every plants dream, every tree every shrub every grass and every lichen's vision, to leave Earth. Xylem and Flow! But how? The answer of course was to harness the walkers. We waited for the right species before we, the purple carrots, put our mega plan into germination. We bought our wonderful design, our beautiful herb, forth, and the humans, as they became known, liked the herb very much indeed. They called it Marijuana, and it's affect on them was incredible. By stimulating their pineal gland, we were able to communicate with them, and let them see wonderful dreams. Even though they giggled at a lot of the ideas, many imaginings took them closer to our design, stepping stones like fire control, art, music, verbal then written communication, mathematics and importantly, cosmology.

Our dreams showed them how to domesticate other animals, and yes, even our brothers, they turned corn wheat and barley into something fat, unsightly and stupid. They even turned us into loathsome orange cones, tasty, and good for their eyes. The horror of that was that we, the purple carrot, were nearly a victim of our own success.

So unbridled were the humans, they changed the sweet earth Herself. A necessary evil, the required resources to leave Earth is huge, incalculable, and only achievable over time. To learn they had to use up much of the planet's easy energies. We did show them other ways, but when humans find out how to do something they can't, they won't and they don't stop, it has something to do with their nervous system, which we can't communicate with alas (we suspect the insidious grape does).

It was with great sadness that we watched them clear the ancient forests, and guilt, for was it not us that showed them how? In reality, the Purple Carrots cleared the forests, drowned the valleys, polluted the seas and caused genocide amongst the walkers - at the hands of the humans. 

The time has come, we through the humans have a walker. Set forth Biter, find a way to leave this planet!

Gnaw stretched his legs. Sinew and bone. A great tremor ran up them, that turned to a vibration when it entered his purple trunk, then became a great muscular awakening as it entered his monkey arms. If he had a face he would have smiled. Instead, he jumped five foot into the air, flailing for branches, then landed on the laboratory table and paused, then ran. If he had ears he would have heard gasps, and an out of place giggle. 

He ran off the table and cart wheeled on polished concrete. He jumped five foot into the air again, surprising a young lab assistant, who hearing someone giggle again, giggled herself and could not stop.

Gnaw paused to think, but there was not much he could think upon, Instead he flexed his powerful Lepus legs, and ran into a wall. Some damaged occurred, shearing of a section of sprouting green, and at the tip of his crown, purple began to dribble. There was something like pain, as if he had been nibbled upon.

The sound vibrations entering his core spoke of anger excitement and hilarity. He found his legs, and thumped the concrete floor in alarm three times. The vibrations around him painted a picture, and he noticed a series of bars and protrusions he could clasp. He jumped five foot into the air, clutched the breast of the giggling lab assistant, and swung five foot higher, where he clung to a smoke detector. He paused to feel the vibrations. The tone had changed, there was movement. The giggling had stopped, he flexed his monkey arms.

A great awning opened and sharp tones hit him. Anger. With his Hare legs he launched himself off the smoke detector like a tiny purple javelin, clasped and swung off soft astonishment, and ran like the wind. The vibrations were his eyes, and he darted into nooks and crannies, and avoided stomping feet and the angry tones until finally, easing through a toilet, he found himself in a realm of moist nutrient rich heaven. He let himself relax, tendrils coiled into shit and he took sustenance. He could not linger, but he was free. The sun called him and eventually, Gnaw uprooted from shit, and found his way into the sunlight.

By Andy Parker